I have a close friend who I love to bits, but who makes me grateful I’m not a man (or a lesbian). She is very beautiful and has the innate, easygoing charm you often find with prom queens or successful politicians. I asked her, recently, how long someone usually waits before calling a guy after a first meeting or a first date. She said she didn’t know; she never has to call guys, she has enough of them calling her. Gorgeous, amiable, and fun, I can understand why potential friends and lovers would have a hard time resisting her.
While she’s always been a supportive, caring, and thoughtful friend towards me, some of her love life escapades make me cringe. She runs around on her boyfriends when she feels like it, and is very pragmatic; if he insists on it she’ll promise monogamy to a guy she wants to keep around as a sex toy, but behind his back she behaves as fancy-free as the next single woman. She has hooked up with an ex a few times, despite knowing that he’s got a new partner. While she might recognize some of these actions are a bad idea or feel guilt over them later, this is all repeat behaviour, not a one-time lapse in judgment.
I have a platonic friendship with her; does it matter what she does in her romantic relationships so long as the friendship we share is good? I think it does. With anyone, I think the way you see them treating others is a good indication of how they might someday treat you. Someone who pulls a disappearing act rather than communicate unwelcome news is probably not going to change his/her ways when the recipient of the message should be you. Someone you see frequently telling falsehoods to others is probably also telling some to you. Friends are usually people who are like-minded, or have similar tastes or habits. If your friend’s tendencies diverge too much from your own (and end up hurting others), one should think the friendship would be something to reconsider.
It’s all well and good for me to hold that opinion, but my actions certainly don’t lend weight to my words; I’m continuing to close both my eyes to my friend’s peccadilloes and don’t really feel compelled to change that approach. In that light, maybe the issue is more complicated than I make it out to be. Should the role of a friend be primarily to support, accept, and forgive, not judge? Though not the same as hers, I certainly have my own faults. Maybe the answer is to keep only one eye closed; love your friends as they are, but know exactly what it is that they are. A bit of an uneasy position, perhaps, but so far it’s the one that’s working for me.
