The Dating Culture Gap

Her initial thoughts? Toronto men are much more shy than New York men. The men in New York are much more forward about asking for dates and much more overt about trying to impress women (often on superficial points, such as where he works, where he lives, how much he makes, etc.) One general thought she shared was that it seemed like New Yorkers went out and socialized more, both with friends and in terms of dating (restaurants, bars, cafes). That mentality, perhaps, comes from the long hours many of her acquaintances work; if the time isn't being spent working or sleeping, it's a waste if you're not spending it socializing!

I commented to her about how dates in Toronto (especially first dates) centre almost completely on "coffee". And it's 50/50, whether you'll go dutch on the first date or the guy will offer to pay. (Again, I'm not saying WHO should pay, just observing what the common practice tends to be.) It's always about the coffee, though. I even had a guy friend advise me against suggesting dinner for a second date (I was willing to split or pay for it, too); "you don't want to be the girl that's fishing for a dinner." Apparently it's a big faux pas in the Toronto dating scene.

Meanwhile, in New York, dates are almost always about dinner; the guy takes you to an upscale restaurant, and always pays. (Part of the competitiveness and overt effort to impress?) My friend opined that it's not necessarily about cheapness that Toronto men stick to drinks-only; she said it seemed as though they are afraid to commit to a time/emotional investment that's any bigger than going for a coffee. By comparison, it seems like New Yorkers just dive in. (My side opinion: you've got to eat anyways, so if you're working long hours, why not kill two birds with one stone by getting food AND having a date at the same time?)

I made a comment to my friend about how I didn't feel ready to participate in the Toronto dating scene because I don't feel "sexy", and I feel as though the majority of the single men I meet require that I be sexy if they're going to show me any interest. (I did acknowledge that there are guys out there interested in meeting an actual person and don't only care whether you look sexy or not... But I expressed my feeling on what the general expectation was.) My friend went me one better and said that for women, the New York dating scene was ALL about how good you look. Everything there is ridiculously superficial, and anyone who's got what's "wanted" in the dating scene (women - good looks, men - money) seems to be completely arrogant and high on themselves. Youch!

There's definitely a culture to dating, and I definitely think it's different wherever you go... The distinctions are so big, in fact, that I could actually see people moving to/from somewhere just because of this factor. Just with these two cities alone, my friend and I observed that late 20-somethings in Toronto tend to be very marriage-minded, whereas people of the same age in New York are still looking to sow their wild oats. Certainly, if you were in this age group and looking to pair up or looking to play around, one city would be more conducive to your goals than the other. It certainly brings up some intriguing tourism opportunities as well... "The dating tour! Try the wo/men of four cities in one month!" I think it certainly helps explain why some behaviours described in this blog are virtually unseen by some of the readers who live far from that particular writer.

Those who don't live in Toronto or New York City: how would you characterize your local dating scene?