Psychology

Here's a warning: this is one of those blog-defining posts. 13 months ago, I posted that I had major problems with the state of dating today. I was even able to describe some of them to you: the expectation of society that men do all the work, and women who took advantage of that fact regardless of the cost. I pointed out some likely culprits: the seduction community, David DeAngelo, and the women's rights movement. Until now, however, I wasn't able to make a concrete suggestion as to why things are the way they are. I was not and still am not convinced that vague, uncontrollable forces such as "evolution" and "nature" are entirely at fault for this state of affairs.

That was until yesterday, when I finally pieced together at least some part of why my opinions are received so negatively by many people. I owe the revelation to watching an interview with the author of Self-Made Man: One Woman's Journey into Manhood and Back, which I saw on CNN and later decided to buy the book. The premise of this book is different, to say the least: it details the journey of a woman who decided to pose as a man for 18 months.

Continue reading "Stop basing your life on what women think of you"

I spent most of last week working long days (and nights) in a necessary attempt to finish the work required for the job I was leaving. Fortunately, I got done what I needed to, but in order to do so I needed to sacrifice writing for this blog for a while.

Because I didn't have a television or a computer at my apartment for the week, I spent two days I couldn't work (because of a network problem) in a large "Cybertorium," which is an auditorium that seats about 150 filled with computers. Shortly before I used the equipment there to project the Orange Bowl onto the big screen, a co-worker happened to stop by the empty lab to print something and started a conversation with me.

The conversation centered around the job market and how employers largely no longer viewed jumping around to many positions in a short time to improve one's pay or situation damaging. When I asked him how long he planned to stay with the company he was working for, he said that he would "probably get tired of State College" (the city where he worked) in two or three years. He talked about how he would like to move on and live in a different place or even in many different places at some point in the future.

Continue reading "Experience-oriented versus people-oriented"

I've recently decided that one of the best ways to truly determine what drives someone is to find out what their priorities are. Priorities are the things that the career people told you in high school you had to determine to live a happy life. For example, most people would prioritize their families, their careers, their religions, and so on. The "average case" for someone's priorities goes something like this:

1. Relationship with wife, husband, significant other, or trying to find one of these
2. Family and/or kids
3. Career or school
4. Religion and spirituality
5. Friends
6. Hobbies or community organizations
7. Fitness and health maintenence
8. Relaxation and leisure time

Continue reading "Priorities"

I recently heard a disturbing statement over the radio, which I later found was echoed countless times across the Internet. The DJ was discussing the show's favorite topic: relationships - when someone called and proposed the idea that everything everyone does is in some way related to sexual reproduction. The theory, which I confirmed elsewhere, goes that the sole purpose of any species is to reproduce, and humans, while more intelligent than other creatures, still exist for that sole purpose despite everything we've accomplished.

People who subscribe to this idea take even the most seemingly unrelated actions as meaningful in a sexual context. For example, people strive to become rich not because of the goods that can be bought with all that money, but because being rich impresses the opposite sex. They become politicians not because they way to do good and not even because they want to have power over others, but because being important leads to more opportunities for sex. They help others not for the others' benefit but for the recognition that comes from doing so. Almost everything can be explained by this theory, or so they claim - the human mind is hardwired to have sex and reproduce, and not satisfying that desire is standing against mother nature.

Continue reading "Is everything in life due to love?"

In the song Johnny from his new album The Story Goes, British popstar Craig David, now 24, sings about his childhood experiences at the hands of a bully named Johnny. Because his mother and father ignored what Johnny was doing, he cried himself to sleep at night and tried to hide bruises from his teachers. The lyrics and the melody of the song combine to create a tone of quiet desparation, where Craig wonders if anyone will ever come to help him with his suffering.

This song hits home because I was constantly bullied while in elementary, middle, and early high school. I touched upon it briefly in this post, but the subject of that post was about eyeglasses, not bullying. The teasing started out with simple namecalling and hiding my glasses to avoid picking on by classmates when I was in first grade. Soon, no matter what I did, a group of kids was following me around at recess doing whatever they could to harass me. Continue reading "Bullying doesn't affect you - or does it?"

As you may or may not know, there's been talk of relaunching this site with a broader focus on relationships of all types - friendly, family, and romantic. The reasons behind the shift are simple: not only do these topics overlap somewhat, but people like Heather and I who aren't interested in dating at the moment have difficulty caring enough about the subject right now. As a result, it's difficult to continually write articles on that one topic.

So while I was looking for the sort of articles that could be written if we relaunched, I found something that applies to both friendships AND relationships. A recent Ohio State study shows that people are almost completely decided how a relationship will turn out within three minutes of meeting.

Continue reading "Opinions set after three minutes"

A few months back, I came across a few self-help books and tried some of the suggestions listed therein. I found that it's amazing how many "bad" things one can do to others without even knowing them. For example, I used to subconsciously scheme about how to get back at people who disrespected me. By reading these books, I have a new philosophy: those people simply aren't worth my time. There are many similar pieces of advice, and you don't need to be depressed to make use of them.

Yesterday, for the first time, I came across a site discussing "game-playing" with people. From looking at the other chapters of this e-book, while there is obviously a huge difference in what works and what doesn't in both cases, the author makes no differentiation between interactions with friends and romances.

Continue reading "Games limited just to dating?"

How many people remember back to their first romances? Some would say that such experiences are impossible to forget. Others would be of the opinion that those first experiences weren't really love or even lust, but an affectionate feeling, and thus not worth remembering.

Myself, I wonder whether the quality of those first experiences influences whether or not someone is successful with dating later in life. Psychologists look to tramautic experiences in childhood to explain behavior in adulthood. Does a negative experience with the first girl/boy make it more difficult to succeed later in life? Similarly, does a positive experience mean that person will be more popular and asked out more often than most?

I propose that it has a major impact.

Continue reading "Our first romances"

I came across an interesting paper that I knew from the moment I read it definitely had merits. The paper, by Ruut Veenhoven, does not dispute that single people are unhappier than married people or people involved in relationships. Instead, it proposes that instead of lack of a partner causing unhappiness, the reverse is true: unhappy people are less likely to find a partner.

From my articles, you can probably tell that I was never convinced that I needed to find a girlfriend in order to be happy. In fact, I've written several pieces where I maintain that significant others only open up a huge new world of problems, many of which can cause unhappiness.

Continue reading "Is unhappiness really caused by a lack of a partner?"

Yesterday, I wrote an article in response to someone who posted on a discussion forum about stalking. My thesis was that issuing University sanctions against the stalker was not going to be effective. The only effective solution for the problem would be reached if the stalker received psychological or psychiatric treatment.

Many people took issue with this opinion. LD was opposed on the basis of psychiatric drugs being too "addictive" and "powerful." Karen thought that the solution was unworkable because the stalker couldn't be forced into treatment and wouldn't go willingly either. And Eek suggested that the reason that I was in favor of this type of solution was because I suffered from mental health problems in the past.

Continue reading "Why is psychology important?"

After ruminating over some of the responses to the articles posted this weekend, I came to the realization that most of them related to the same topic, one that applies across not only dating, but also across many other aspects of biology and medicine as well. That is, are people born with certain innate behavior patterns, or do they develop them through the culture in which they live?

Certainly, there is a birth element in just about all psychological aspects of a person. For example, it's well-documented that temperament results primarily from the presence or absence of "inhibition" genes. Those who possess a certain combination of genes are, at least initially, introverted. Others, many of whom turn out to be criminals, are born with an aggressive temperament. Most people fall in the middle. Continue reading "Born or made?"

Isaac recently posted a comment in response to one of my posts, mentioning so-called "ladder theory." Read about the theory at this site first (caution: profanity). I disagree with how he discusses the theory (especially the language and references used), but the site does bring up some good points.

I'd like to make the observation that a lot of what's said there is obvious. It doesn't take a genius to figure out, for example, that I might like someone more than someone else, and would rather go out with the first person. There are two main issues with the theory that stuck out to me, however. First, pie charts are presented that attempt to break down factors present in sexual attraction for both sexes. Second, the author points out that women have "two ladders," one for friends, and one for "more than friends."

Continue reading ""Ladder Theory""

It's interesting how if you surf the Internet, there are not only a million sites that provide advice on how to succeed at dating, but there are also sites that promise to help you "surpass everyone else" in terms of how many (wo)men you can attract or how many partners you've had.

One of the reasons I started this blog was to discuss what happens with dating in reality. Here's an example where reality is being stretched. Continue reading "Expectations"